Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year...But No Resolutions

2016 starts tomorrow, but for me, there will be no resolutions. Not this time, not this year.
No "New Year, New Me!" stuff.
I have decided I like myself the way I am.
Yes, still need to lose some weight, but that is for my own health, not to fit into a smaller size.
Still need to completely stop smoking, but again, that is for my health, not so I can trumpet to the world that by my will power alone I have triumphed over evil nicotine. Wouldn't be true anyway, I use nicorette gum to ease me through the worst of my cravings.

Resolutions are usually announcements of habits we will drop or good things we will do in the coming twelve months.
More often than not, said resolutions are dropped by the end of February...if not sooner.
The coming of a new year seems to infect humans with a sense of hope and a feeling that anything is possible...in the new year. So, with those blinders on, we approach the new year with a determination that soon wavers.
I am not saying to just give up on any well-intentioned resolutions you may have, though.
Go for it! But, be resolute in your resolutions! Actually DO them, okay?

It has taken me a very long time to learn to like myself.
For so long (and I am sure this is the same for many out there), my self worth was determined by what I perceived others thought of me. How others valued me. How many clicks on my blog? How many likes on my facebook post? Is my partner happy? Are my grown kids happy and successful? And on and on and on...until I was looking at things that had absolutely nothing to do with me or my actions and using them as a milestone of my own worth and success....
Rarely thought about what *I* thought of myself.
Until this past year.
Lost my ex. (Hell, I know where he is...just that I finally discovered what a sociopath he is)
No longer on my farm.
Had a heart attack and died for a couple minutes.
BUT
I discovered who my real friends and family are. I found out people liked me for me, not for what I could do for them. Learned again to laugh at life's absurdities. Found my joy again...and that, boys and girls, was something I had not had in a very long time.
I learned to breathe again and to speak in my own voice. Discovered I had self-confidence that I had long ago figured was gone forever.
I found out I actually liked this me, this person I had not really gotten to know.

What does my future hold? I don't have a clue. But that's okay.
I DO know that I will get back to farming, some way, some how.
I love it too damn much to give it up. It makes ME happy. Maybe not anyone else, but, what the hell, it makes ME happy. And I want to be happy. Not make someone else happy.

So...have a Happy New Year, for pity's sake (and the sake of everyone else) Don't Drink and Drive.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

I was going to write about getting medical dental care, but then, the rain started!
Not a little rain, but A LOT!


A train was swept off the tracks not too far from where I am:

It is a mess all over!  
                                                                                                                               
Here is a nearby bridge we have to cross to get to Joplin;
Yes, there is a bridge in that picture!

So, we are a bit stuck right now. Bill can't get to work, Tina can't get to the store.
And a new storm is moving in, with ice, sleet and snow!

Tina has made some preps. Water storage. Just in case the water lines freeze.
We have plenty of dry goods (groceries) and canned goods. Even have a few treats left from Christmas!
We were lucky that no tornadoes were spawned here by the storm. Some scary micro-bursts in the area at the height of the storm, but other than some trees that lost limbs, we had no damage.

I have seen on the news that several places got the same storms that we did as they headed east and and north. I hope all are staying safe and are prepping for the next series of stores that will be coming through!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas!

Hoping all of you out there are having a great holiday season!


Have a Cool Yule!

Monday, December 21, 2015

Back to Basics...Prepping YOURSELF

Okay, now back to where I am supposed to be (mentally, anyway).
Right now I have two pressing needs:
New glasses and new dentures.
The glasses will come first.
Eye exams are NOT cheap.
I will be going to one of the "Wally World" walk-in exam places. Around here, the eye exam is about $60. Not TOO bad. More than I would like to pay, but my last eye exam was over 8 years ago, so this is something I have to get done ASAP.
Now, the places you get your eye exam also like to sell you over priced frames and lenses. The "2 for 1" deals they push frequently come with a price tag over $250.,...more than that if you require bifocals or trifocals or any special treatments to the lens.So, I will tell them to give me my prescription so I can *shop around* and get the best deal for my money.
A few years ago, a friend clued me into Zenni Optical. Their glasses start at $6.95.
That's WITH prescription lens!
Delights my frugal little heart!!!
I have talked to several people that got glasses from them and all were pleased with their purchases.
Zenni has plastic frames, wire frames, frameless...every style you can think of. Mens, womens and kids! Also, varied lens, too. And sunglasses!
So, here's the link:
LINK 
Go and browse to your hearts content!
I plan on ordering 3 to 4 pair in January. ALWAYS have a back up! They sell prescription lens sport goggles, as well. Might be good to wear while in the shop or hunting, etc. I may even get a pair later on.
There are other places online, but Zenni seems to have a darn good reputation, so I will probably go with them.
Next time: Saving money on dentures and dental care

Personal Health Update:
I am doing well. Have gone from 7 prescriptions down to 3 (not counting the low dose aspirin)
Walking 2 miles a day.
Was wearing a women's size 22 back at the first of July, just put on a size 16...and they are too big for me! Have lost almost 70 pounds now.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Another Snake Around the Corner

While we are talking about truth and snakes around the corner, I have to admit...
I have been struggling with a truth/warning I should get out there.
I wrote it, I posted it, but I didn't tell people about it.
Maybe I should have, I don't know.
A few people have read it.....I hope the warning gets out to the people that need to see it.
Some people have more or less told me I should be embarrassed that I was deceived for so long by my ex. That I trusted him. That I was loyal. That I did not question him.
I am not embarrassed. Why be ashamed of doing the right thing?

I feel sorry for the women/friends in his life now..and in the future. Friends in the area have told me he is doing the same old games, same old lies, etc. More people will get hurt...and badly.

So, here it is...everything, laid out bare and raw.
Read if you want...or don't.
My warning to others.


Thursday, December 17, 2015

What About Honesty?

Are you honest?
How far does your honesty go?
Not just NOT telling lies, but telling truths that may not be welcomed by those that hear them.
Would you tell a stranger; "Watch out, there's a snake around that corner?" or do you think they should figure it out for themselves?
Would you tell a friend "Hey, your spouse is cheating on you!" or do you stay silent and hope it will sort itself out....somehow?
Should our government tell us the truth? "Hey, we bombed a hospital and we screwed up and we're really sorry, but shit happens. Somebody's ass will be in a sling for this" Or should they cover it up?
Oh...speaking of hard truths...
Homeland security yesterday issued a new Terrorism Advisory.
Among other things, it states :
"DHS and the FBI are providing additional guidance to state and local partners on increased security measures.  The public should expect an increased presence of law enforcement across communities in the weeks ahead. More stringent security should also be anticipated at public places and events. This may include a heavy police presence, additional restrictions and searches on bags and the use of screening technologies."
So, if you are in someplace public...
"Expect increased security across most U.S. cities and plan ahead to anticipate delays and restricted/prohibited items.In populated places, be responsible for your personal safety. Make a mental note of emergency exits and locations of the nearest security personnel. Keep cell phones in your pockets instead of bags or on tables so you don’t lose them during an incident. Carry emergency contact details and any special needs info with you at all times."

Sounds like they want us to know there is a snake around the corner, doesn't it?
I high-lighted the *populated places* thing for a purpose.
"Be responsible for your personal safety"
Read that over a few times, folks. Say it out loud. LOUDER. Tell your kids, tell your spouse, tell your friends and family. BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY.
Smartest phrase to come out of a government office in a long damn time!
Can you legally conceal or open carry where you live?
Do it.
If you can't, make sure you have some sort of defensive weapon on you.
Stay away from highly populated areas, if you can. (So glad I am in a rural area!)
Errands in town? Get and go and get back home.
With that one phrase, the government is letting you know that YOU are not going to be protected by them. YOU have to see to your own safety and to that of your family.
Someone in the government went for a little honesty and stuck that phrase in there. 

Now...again...do you warn about the snake around the corner?

That's it for today...
Tomorrow...a different kind of snake warning....

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Are You Standing Up or Sitting Down?

During this political season we are in, it seems that a lot of folks are "sitting it out" instead of "standing up and being counted" for the candidate/party/issue of their choice.
Look, I know that most folks think their vote counts for nothing.
Or that candidates are SE-lected, not E-lected.
Look, I'm right there with you.
Still, we have to let the candidates and parties and our neighbors and our communities know where we stand!
If they don't know what is important to us, then they will continue on ignoring the majority of the citizens of this country.
Look, the MAJORITY of people in this country want to keep their guns.
The MAJORITY wants to stop seeing U.S. jobs going overseas.
The MAJORITY wants to see military veterans get decent health care.
The MAJORITY wants illegal immigration stopped.
The MAJORITY wants GMO labeling.
The MAJORITY wants us to stop getting involved in wars that are only waged to keep the oil flowing into the U.S. from the Middle East.
The MAJORITY is damn sick and tired of corporate cronyism papering the halls of Congress with massive amounts of money to sway the votes of OUR elected representatives.
The MAJORITY wants to see term limits on Congressmen and Senators. Some of those bastards have been in D.C. 40+ years! They have no freakin' grasp on how tough it is to make a living these days!

I wish we could do like they do in other countries and do a vote of "No Confidence" and force immediate elections.
But, barring that, we need to do SOMETHING!
email your Congress Critter. Get their email address here:
http://www.congressmerge.com/onlinedb/
email your Senator:
http://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/
contact the White House (although I doubt they will be happy to hear from mere citizens):
https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact

Whatever state you are in MAKE SOME NOISE!!!
Support local farmers. Get your local representative to enter state bills legalizing marijuana, raw milk, whatever you think should be legal!
Write, email and call your Governor.
Bring it down to your local level, too.
Attend City Council meetings, school board meetings, GET INVOLVED!Find out where the hell they are spending your tax dollars. Join a *watch dog* committee that keeps an eye on local police or whatever else concerns you in your town.
Too damn many of us are just sitting down instead of standing up for what we believe in and what is important to us.
STAND THE HELL UP!!!!


Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Diet and Exercise and Medicine, Oh My!

My physical condition is pretty good, but I want and need it to be better.
So, with that in mind, I have embarked on a program to *prep* my body.
First, diet.
I already ate a fairly decent diet, mainly organic, lots of veggies, few carbs and no cakes, pies, candies, etc.
I have to make it healthier.
I still have the bad habit of grabbing a soda every few days ....though not as bad as when I swigged down a couple of 2 liters a day.
So...I am working on what will hopefully be my LAST 2 liter.
Other than that, my only sweet thing in my diet is my raw honey that I use to sweeten my herbal tea and I put a bit in my farina when I make that. And fresh fruit.
I do not bake bread now as the carb load is far too high...and fresh bread is too damn tempting! I do have a sandwich for a meal once in awhile, but I normally use a whole wheat tortilla/wrap.
My oils/fats are real butter, olive oil, and coconut oil. I do eat avocados once in awhile and I like using a nut butter that is a blend of peanut, almond, pumpkin and flax seed blended together.
I need way more protein in my diet than I am currently getting, so I will have to work on that.
Beverages are water, milk, juice, teas and that last 2 liter (sigh...).
The problem is, some of my medications put a damper on my appetite. Sometimes it seems too hard to eat.
Meals, actual meals are almost an impossibility. I sort of graze, more than anything.
One egg and a few slices of tomato is a meal for me. Maybe 3 hours later I'll have some popcorn or a handful of seedless grapes and I am good for another 3 or 4 hours. Last night I had a grilled cheese sandwich. Woke up this morning and couldn't face having a *real* breakfast, so just ate a small Slim Jim and felt full.
Grapes, Slim Jims, and beef jerky are snacks I rely on these days.
So, going to have to get my diet on track.
*********************************
No gym here, so my exercise is walking. I try to walk up to a mile or two a day. Have been gradually increasing it.
Next month, I am going to try to get some weights, at least small dumbbell types. Need to increase my upper body strength.
Youtube has LOADS of yoga and other videos to help me exercise, so I am using that, too.
*********************************
On to my medications.
I hate taking medications.
Right now I am on 4 medications, after initially being on 7.
So, that's an improvement.
The doctor says I will ALWAYS be on the aspirin, so I am okay with that. The others, he felt, I would be able to stop as my physical condition improved.
So...that is what I am *prepping* for...to get into good physical shape so that I can get rid of 3 of my 4 medications.
**********************************
Yes, physical conditioning is *prepping*, too.
Health is the major thing a prepper needs and I am determined to get mine back.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Music For This Morning

Gun Control Song

I couldn't post it up for some reason, but give it a listen, pretty good!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Taking Inventory

The first thing anyone should do to get into preparedness is take stock of what they already have.
In my case, not much!
I have my van.
(Everything below was in said van for my cross country trek)
Clothing. Some of it well-worn, true, but still serviceable,( if only as quilt pieces.)
A coffee can full of assorted nuts, bolts, nails and zip-ties. (Why I have that, I have NO clue!)
Around 200 to 250 books. (mostly on homesteading, livestock and gardening)
Four blankets
A couple of pillows
Assorted kitchen items, including a Dutch Oven and a half dozen water bottles.
My dog
A decent North Face back-pack (with camel-back water bladder)
A couple of pocket knives.
One artists canvas, unpainted.
One framed painting I had already done
A dozen or so unpainted slate roofing tiles I brought along
A tote full of fabric and a couple of unfinished quilts
My sewing machine
Assorted sewing needs such as thread, needles, embroidery yarn, etc.
My notebooks...full of farming plans and notes, ideas, sketches, etc
***********************
So, that's it. All my worldly goods, so to speak.
I haven't completely cleaned out the van, so there may be some surprises in there yet.
So, here is how I am starting out (again), folks!
I have had less, so it is not that depressing.
************************
I AM THE PHOENIX! WATCH ME RISE!



Friday, December 4, 2015

Well, That Escalated Quickly...

Wow.
Forget the personal ad. Taking it down. So many fakes and scammers out there it is unbelievable!
So, on to other things..
**************************
Got my medications refilled. OUCH! Even with generics, the price was such that I decided to pass on one of the meds. Called my cardio doc in NH and he said I should be okay as it was the medication he planned on discontinuing for me after about 2 months anyway. Feeling pretty good, taking long walks every day and watching my diet.
**************************
Getting ready to rearrange my room here. I can't repaint it, but I do plan to make some curtains to brighten it up. I am going to be here for a while and Tina says I might as well get comfortable!
**************************
Now that I have a decent computer to work on, I am going to blog more, start applying for farming grants, possibly take some classes online. I found a few places I can take classes online for free, so that's a good thing!
**************************
I am also going to work on my artistic side a bit more. Maybe even sell a few paintings on here!
**************************
And on to preparedness...
It is difficult to *prep* when you live in someone else's home. I can advise Tina and Bill on prepping, but, like me, they live on a limited budget. We also live in a very remote area and it is approximately 40 miles from anyplace where you can buy in bulk, etc. I did have the bliss the other day of going into Joplin and going by Fox Farms grocery...they have organic and non-GMO foods and plenty of health foods I am used to having, so I was absolutely delighted...and spent too much! But, I got my raw organic honey, my flax seed and my farina. Plus a few other goodies. Cold pressed coconut oil, black currant juice, himalayan pink salt....all the stuff that was basics in my pantry back in New Hampshire. And some teas...I love my tea in the morning!

So...trying to figure out how to *prep* when I have very little budget to prep and even less room.
I already have a *bug out bag*, so I guess that will be the first thing I do. It is currently empty, so I guess I have to buy and/or find all the supplies I need to put in it.
What's in YOUR bug out bag?
Any suggestions on what to put in mine (other than my medications)?

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Well, Putting Myself Out There...

Some friends convinced me to put up a profile on a couple of dating sites. I did one while I was still in New Hampshire and I have done another one since I moved down here.
Well, I went on one date with one guy while in New Hampshire and that crashed and burned!
Then I had the heart attack and, well, life changed for me.
But, I went ahead and put up a profile at this free dating site, just to see what was out there.
I have gotten over 200 responses to each profile, but have only talked to 2 guys (on the second site) that seem:
1) Normal. Or at least semi-normal.
2) Intelligent.
3) Have a decent sense of humor.
4) Want a monogamous relationship.

It IS that bad out there, I guess.

Look, I'm not perfect myself, but I am still going to be a bit picky, dammit.

Here's part of my profile on one of the sites:

Currently in Missouri, but thinking of moving....somewhere next Spring. I have lived in 13 countries and 39 states (so far). Army brat.
Most recently lived in New Hampshire and LOVED it, but had to move for a bit due to a business break up and a health issue. (Had a heart attack. All better now, but it was an interesting experience)

Crunchy granola back to the land type broad.
Irish and Scottish, heavy on the Irish! Hazel eyes, red hair. Yes, it is going gray, but I dye it as I am going into old age kicking and screaming.
Despite the heart attack, I am pretty active and I have to get my cardio in every day anyway. Enjoy the outdoors, except when it is really hot. Irish skin burns FAST!
I wear glasses, it keeps me from walking into walls and tripping over furniture...most of the time. The klutz gene runs strong in my family, lol!
I also have dentures. Sad, but true, so I deal with it.
Seven grown children, one grandson.

Impressive skill set. Prepping, food storage, sewing, quilting, crafts, livestock tending, dairy...including milking, cheese making, etc., gardening, butchering, canning, etc.

Not doing this to play or hook up for a one night stand. Looking for a partner that understands honor, loyalty, honesty and respect.
I still believe in romance. But I know you don't quit being romantic even if you find "the one". Relationships need to be tended to and nurtured, otherwise they wither and die.
Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional connection.

I value intelligence, humor and loyalty as the three most important things in a partner. All equally. Anytime I had a partner that lacked one of these (or gods forbid, all three attributes), it ended in an absolute disaster. Besides, a big brainpan is a turn on, right?


What do you think?  There's more, of course. The site asks for your favorite movies and books, etc.
Also asks you what type of man you are looking for, stuff like that.
If you think I should change it a bit, let me know. Yes, I have pictures up. No naughty ones, though!
Or, if you know a decent guy...show him this!


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Plans For The Future

Okay, here we go...
While my friends are kind enough to let me stay here for a few months to *get my shit together*, I need to make plans on what comes next in my life...and there is still a hell of a lot of life left in me!

Options:

1) Save up money from the payments the ex is sending me, rent my own place here and get a job (probably cashier or fast food, etc) and go on that way.

2) Go back to school on grants and such and be the oldest vet tech or A.I. tech around.

3) Convince Brad Pitt to leave Angelina and...well, nevermind, THAT'S not gonna happen!

4) Find a farming job somewhere.

5) Hire myself out as an independent *consultant* for folks setting up homesteads and/or  organic/sustainable small farms. Might involve travel, but I am okay with that. I can also set up long term food storage and the like.

6) Buy lottery tickets and hope for a big win.

7) Find a cheap piece of land in the Ozarks to buy on payments and scratch out a living on it.

I am bouncing all the various pros and cons around in my head right now of the realistic options.
If you dear readers have any other ideas, go ahead and post them, too!
Or, give your opinion of the options I already posted. (Well, except for 3 & 5, lol!)




Sunday, November 15, 2015

Short Update

I am now in Missouri, staying with dear friends that graciously invited me out to recuperate from my heart attack. It's a very rural location and all I can see looking out the windows are pastures and cattle and the shadowy smudge of the Ozarks on the horizon.
It is quiet here. I like that.
I am missing the first snow of the winter in New Hampshire...and that makes me sad.
But, winter will soon be here, too, although this weeks forecast is calling for rain.
I am readjusting my diet and starting tomorrow, upping my cardio.
As much as I despise medications, I am taking mine, on schedule, as the doctor ordered.
I am feeling better, stronger every day.
Emotionally, I am doing okay, too.
I am making plans and know I still have a future ahead of me.
So, I guess this blog will be taking on a slightly different *flavor*, although it will still focus on prepping, gardening, food storage, etc.
I am looking for a small property to buy and build a tiny house on for myself.
Don't know where yet, but I will find "my place".

Saturday, October 31, 2015

I THOUGHT I Was Ready For Anything!

Last Monday, the 26th, I had a heart attack.
A bad one.
Bad enough to have to be transported to a major hospital around 3 hours away. (although the ambulance only took 2 1/2 hours)
Okay....wasn't expecting this !
It was an interesting experience. I was whisked into the cath lab, and I got to see my heart from the inside! They threaded a camera, a balloon thingie and a stent through my femoral artery.
I am now on 7 different meds (ack!) and have to start cardio therapy.
I am heading to Va to see my kids tomorrow. One of my sons is flying up to drive me down.
Other plans have been made, things are happening.
As usual, I was a smart ass throughout the situation.
In the cath lab, I got a little pukey due to them giving me morphine. It's how I react to most painkillers.
The doc wanting to stop this reaction was planning on giving me a pill...
He asked me, "Can you swallow?"
I told him, "Not until after the third date, hun. I'm not THAT easy!"

Never throw a straight line like that at me....

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I'm Back......and Loaded For Bear!

Okay.  I know I have not posted in a while.
I was mourning having to sell my goats, mourning the death of my relationship and mourning the demise of my former life on the farm.
NO MORE !
I got a job here in town.
I checked with a lawyer.
You see, the ex was soooooo sure I would never find out about his lies and numerous infidelities and was so sure of my love, that the house and land is in my name and my name ONLY.
Yeah. I own the farm, lock, stock and barrel.
So, I sent the ex a rental contract.
He countered by offerering to "negotiate". We met at a friends house (neutral territory) and he wanted to know how much it would cost him to buy me out and take possession of the property.
I named my price, he agreed to it.
Then I told him off. Not angrilily, but calmly. I called him a sociopathic child and informed him that I felt something much more dangerous towards him than hatred. I feel indifference.
Pure indifference.
What happens to him from here on in is all his fault. I will no longer be there to help him, protect him, cheer him up when he is having a rough time.
And honestly, it will ALL be rough times from here on out.
He is supposed to make the first payment on the farm on Oct. 27th.
If he doesn't, the farm goes up for sale the next day.
And I told him all that and more.
I'm back. And ready for anything.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

I Sold My Goats

Labor Day I sold the goats. All of them to one buyer. He has a dairy goat herd over in Vt and I know they will all be well taken care of. 80 acres of pasture to roam. They will be happy there. I took a few pictures, cried, petted them and hugged them goodbye and cried some more.
I still haven't figured out how to post pictures on here, but as soon as I do, I'll post the last pictures of my 'girls'.
So, that dream is over and I am trying to figure out what to do next. Where to go next. Something.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Hardest Post I Will Ever Write

Okay, here goes....better be sitting down, folks.
Over the weekend I found out that "my" Darling Man has a fiancée.
Actually, TWO fiancees, in addition to a wife he is separated from. He got engaged to one of them in May and the other in June. We broke up in July when he pulled a loaded rifle on my unarmed son and threatened to kill him.
Plus, in the past 5 years, while we have lived together and he professed his love and devotion, he has NEVER been faithful. Even when he was 'courting' me.
Besides the two he has now, he has been engaged to no less than SIX women in the past 6 years.
He courts them (usually online through dating sites like Plenty of Fish), convinces them he loves them, meets them, screws them and gets them a modest ring. Then he gets off of them what he needs/wants (right now he needs a car, so I expect one of the two women has a spare car hanging around) and then finds a reason to dump them.
I found out his military record was pretty much bogus. Yes, he was in for 23 years, but saw no combat, was never wounded and was not stationed in some of the places he said he was. He was pretty much a glorified company clerk.
So, yeah, lies from Day One.
So, yeah, I am feeling pretty foolish right now. How he must have laughed at me and how gullible I was!
So, here's a warning.
His name is Everett Fryman, but on Facebook and dating sites he frequently goes by the name Louis Hildago.
He is 43 years old. He is a very convincing liar.
I was going to try to post his picture but I can't figure out how to do it on this iPad.
If you are on Facebook, please check out his page under the name Louis
If you have encountered him, BEWARE! He uses people, male and female, especially female.
After he gets what he wants, he will no longer be your friend or lover or whatever he is pretending to be.
Figured out how to post pics again!
Everett Fryman and son

Everett Fryman when I first started talking to him

Everett Fryman and the woman he lived with while I was still in El Paso and he was "working hard on the railroad"
I concealed her and her kids faces so as not to invade their privacy.

Everett Fryman , again


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Mantras and Continuing My Journey

I told you I had found a mantra and am trying it on to see if it works for me.
Pretty much, it does! And I have found it makes my life easier and I feel more calm, more 'centered'.
Here's how I found it....
I go to sleep many nights pondering the chaos my life has become. This has led to some very disturbing dreams, weird dreams, messed up dreams. Sometimes dreams are just the brain 'flushing' after a long and active day, sometimes dreams give us insight, sometimes dreams bring our worst fears to the surface, sometimes dreams are just our brains messing with us!
This dream started with me being in a very dark place. Not a room or a forest or any defined space....just dark and shadowy, darker the further away from me it was. I was just standing there, wondering where to go or do next when I became aware of an immense presence in front of me. Not threatening, just there. It felt like there was light coming from it, although I could not see light, it just felt that way. (It was a dream, okay? Sometimes you can't explain them well) Call it the divine, the godhead, a God or goddess, whatever your belief system throws your way, but I knew the presence was powerful, and I knew it cared about me.
As I stood there, I heard a voice. It spoke one sentence.
"How can I best love thee today?"
Well, I poured out my heart! Reconciliation with the Darling Man, winning the lottery, on and on...everything I thought would solve my problems.
Then silence.
Then again the voice:
"How can I best love thee today?"
Huh...thought I explained that....so I went over my wants and needs yet again, threw in world peace for good measure and listened for an answer.
Again, the same voice and same sentence..."How can I best love thee today" .
Now it was more of a statement than a question. I started to say something again, but I felt that immense presence lean over me, like a loving parent trying to see if the child was catching on to an important lesson. Same voice, same sentence.
This went on for awhile while I tried my damnedest to figure out what was going on. Again and again that sentence was repeated, while I stood there confused.
Then that light bulb in my head flickered and came to life...
I wasn't being asked a question, I was being told what I should ask myself in every situation!!!
I was being given my mantra!
Not just for dealing with the Darling Man, but for dealing with EVERYONE, including myself!
Epiphany moment.
I woke up feeling refreshed, re energized and at peace.
And so I am doing it. Every situation, that question is at the forefront of my mind.
The cranky clerk at the convenience store, the Darling Man, my friends, my family, strangers, etc.
It's almost a Zen thing for me now. If I feel frustrated at a situation or a person, I just let that mantra flow over me and through me.
Sometimes it just means smiling and being polite. Other times it means having a heart to heart talk with someone. Other times it can mean just ignoring someone's behavior or words or not talking to them. For how I treat myself, it means ignoring all the dark thoughts that try to bubble to the surface and take over and finding ways lift myself up.
It is working for me.
************************
I have finally gotten a job. Cashiers job at a local grocery. I was thrilled when I found out yesterday. Finding that out gave me so much optimism about my future!
This one job will not pay all my expenses, however, so I will have to supplement with another job or two. I have another couple of job opportunities out there that look promising.
Up here, you end up like Alice....running twice as fast just to stay in place, lol!

Monday, August 24, 2015

What I Am Doing

As I write this, I am sitting in a kitchen chair with my friend, Timi, coloring my hair. She trained as a professional hairdresser and it was her profession for several years. I am fighting gray hair kicking and screaming, lol!
I went to the local drug store and looked at the make-up with the idea of getting some foundation.
HOLY COW!!!
They had so many different kinds. I remember when the big choice was Maybelline or Cover Girl!
Now one brand will have six different kinds ...ones that supposedly "lift" your face, ones that "blur" your wrinkles, ones that minimize pores, ones that make you look like your face was air-brushed and on and on.....
After about twenty minutes of utter confusion, I left the store with no make-up.
Had an "I need an adult" moment there, lol!
It's just been so damn long since I fixed myself up. At least six or seven years.I do have some eyeliner and shadow, mascara and lipstick. Really all I ever used.
I haven't had anyone else color my hair since my thirties! And she is going to put in highlights!
I have somewhere to go tonight and I want to look nice. I hope my hair looks good when all this is over.
**************************
In therapy, I've learned that just about everyone lives by a "personal mantra". For some, it is "What's in it for me?" Or "Can I get away with this?" (We've all met those, haven't we?) Our mantras change over our lives and he figures it is about time that whatever mine is, it may be high time to change it.
I know mine used to be "Everything for the kids!" I rarely did anything for myself. then it was "What will so and so think?" Depending on who was in my life, who I was trying to get along with, etc.
Now, I am a bit at a loss.
But I have been thinking about it, even dreaming about it.
And, I think I have come up with one. I'll try it on for a few days and see how it goes.
I'll let you know .

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Working On Myself

I think the most important part of the whole journey is working on myself.
A difficult task, but somebody has to do it!
Self examination is never easy. Neither is healing. Things get under your skin and itch.
You try to ignore them, but they keep boiling up to the surface.
So, I have been confronting the things that bother me the most. Some things I have never spoken about, some that I never thought were a big deal...but apparently were, if they are still bothering me!
I have a friend I can talk to these things about.I have online friends that I can talk to.
And, I write in a journal or here.
All this helps.
I also have an inner dialogue happening.
Sometimes I end up arguing with myself, lol!
Things are getting better, day by day.
I am learning things about myself. I am unlearning some long held beliefs about myself and about others.
I think it will all be worth it.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Better News

Had a job interview this morning and it went well. In fact, it went excellent!
Cashier work, but I am happy with that.
I will find out by Monday afternoon whether or not I got the job.
Fingers crossed, people!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Some Mornings Are Worse Than Others


The sunrise this morning didn't help. I didn't sleep well last night and ended up "getting into my head" way too much.
Doubt, pain, heartache, tears, anger, self-pity, worry; all these seem to be my nighttime companions.
All these and a lot more.
Seeing the sunrise just reminded me that I have basically nothing left in my life to give me hope for the future.
So, today kinda sucks in a big way.
My hosts have medical appointments in Littleton today, so I am at the house with little to do. I am watching their kids, but, at their ages (14 & 10), they don't need a lot of watching.
So, watching the news ( THAT'S not gonna cheer me up) and then....dunno.
I hate being at "loose ends".

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Dragging You Along For the Journey

I have decided to drag all you along for this journey...it may be a dark journey, it may be a hopeless one, it may just be me meandering through the chaotic morass of my psyche with no destination  on the horizon, but if you read my blog, you are going to be in for an interesting trip.
So, buckle up, dear readers, "bumpy ride" doesn't even begin to describe this journey!
*********
First....since my life has descended into such chaos, the first task is for me to establish routines and schedules. This will help "retrain" my brain and body and give me the psychological comfort of a type of normalcy.
So, when I get up, before anything else, I shower, do my hair, put in my dentures, put on some make up and dress appropriately for the days tasks/appointments/whatever. No slogging around in my pajamas, no just yanking my hair back in a ponytail. Neat, clean, tidy and ready for the day.
Everyday, Every Single Day, I find one thing that will give me at least a moment of joy or peace.
This has been extremely difficult for me. But, searching for something, I decided to try watching the sunrise. I am not sleeping much, anyway and I had found myself awake at 4:30 - 5:00 every morning anyway. So, now I go out on the porch here and just give myself over to the sunrise .I try not to even think during this, just watch as the world here wakes up and takes it's first breaths of the day.
This morning was a gentle, misty sunrise. Just what I needed. Soothing.
So, routine and sunrises.
It may not be a lot, but right now, it's all I got.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Hanging In There

Well, for those interested in the current shambles of my life, here's how I am dealing with all the chaos and heartbreak and ....well, stuff.
I am going to therapy. I am profoundly depressed and I recognized it and was able to find a therapist to help me cope with what is going on in my life.
The Darlin' Man and I are keeping the lines of communication open. He has admitted he has no clue on what to do with the goats and other livestock and was even unsure about how much to feed, etc.
So, I am taking over the care and feeding of the livestock. He buys the hay, I provide the knowledge  and labor.
We are....talking. But both of us are damaged people and it will take a lot of healing to get our act together.
Reconciliation?
Maybe.
But not right now. It may take a year...at least several months. We both have a lot to work on.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Sorry I Haven't Been Posting

Excuse my absence.
I am going through a lot of heartbreak right now.
I don't know if we can fix this situation even with all my efforts.
I can't eat or sleep.
I mainly cry, which makes me piss poor company.
Did a bunch of paintings, haven't sold a single one.
In all honesty, this is the most severely depressed I have ever felt.
Take care all. Don't know when I'll feel up to posting again.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Well, Things Progress

I am staying with friends. they are, thankfully, animal lovers, so Siona is welcome here. They have pets as well...the full spectrum, lol!
A dog. female rottweiler about a year old. She is still full of puppy playfulness and loves giving slobbery kisses or worrying a chew toy into destruction.
A large ginger cat. Neutered male. He is cordial and will come up for petting, but conducts himself with calm and dignity (as all cats should!).
A pet rat. Female and recently gave birth to a litter of 15! She is fascinating to watch. She is quite industrious and busies herself by constructing  and deconstructing her nest to accommodate her growing offspring. Her little ones have just opened their eyes and are driving their mama bonkers by wandering around their enclosure, so of course she has to retrieve them and carefully put them back in the nest. Keeps her quite busy!
A large and rather obnoxious Macaw inherited from an aunt. Male. He delights in squawking as loudly as possible. I have heard him speak...his main phrase is "Knock it off!". He also screamed "Run!!!" at the cat when it was about to get a flea bath.
My dog plays with their dog, shows polite curiosity towards the rat & her offspring, ignores the cat and avoids the bird.


They live in town. It is taking me a bit to get used to it. The sounds of cars going past at night or in the wee hours, children riding their bikes past, the neighbors dog barking, etc. 
They are good people, though. They have kids grown and kids still in school. The kids are nice, too.
I really appreciate them opening their home to me while I get everything sorted out here.
I am applying for jobs. Mostly cashier type jobs, and I think there are one or two I might be able to get. There is a little one bedroom apartment that allows pets (a MUST) and includes most of the utilities That I have my eye on. Looks like a good fit for me and the dog.

As for the Darlin' (?) Man and myself....we met up yesterday for a long talk and I went out to the farm to check on the goats and other animals. I was able to express my feelings about the situation to him and he to me. We both agreed that we both need to work on ourselves before we can work on our relationship.That is about as good as I had hoped for at this point.
Things can't heal overnight. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Where In The World Is Lamb?

Unlike Carmen Santiago (remember that program?), I decided to return to where this whole strange trip started.
Yes, I am back in New Hampshire.
No, I have not seen the darlin' (?) man, even though he is still at the farm, a scant 5 miles away.
It is not time and I don't know when that time will come.
Yes, I still love him desperately. He says he still loves me.
But we are keeping our distance until he can work on himself and I can do the same for myself.

Besides missing him, I am missing my goats and other animals.
But I LOVE being back in New Hampshire.
Despite living around the world and around the country, with a significate amount of that time in the American South, particularly Virginia, New Hampshire is HOME.
The first time I stepped out of my car here and walked down the street in this small town, I knew this was home.
I am home and I am here to stay.

I am here to fight.
I am here to fight for my home, the life I need/want to live, and most importantly, to fight for the man I love.
I will fight to see that he is healed and whole. Even if we do not end up together, I want to see him in a better state of mind, with his demons subdued or banished altogether.
I know many will criticize my decision, but then again, they do not have to live my life.
So, peace to all, and send me some good vibes as I enter the fray!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Okay, Changing Gears

I deleted my horrible posts about that horrible incident.
Things are changing, it is not time to drag the past with me.
I want to get on with my life and whether it is here (currently in Va.) or going back to NH or going elsewhere, I need to just get on with it.
************
I went and stayed a couple days with a blogger friend in Kentucky, got my son off to his new life (he is going to Austin) and tried to get my head together.
Not gonna mention the bloggers name (out of respect for her), but HOLY COW, she is a hardcore homesteader! Beautiful property....a wee bit difficult to get there unless you have 4wd, or a helicopter...but BEAUTIFUL! Creek running through it, loads of trees, plenty of flat land for fields/pastures, plenty of rolling hills if you are thinking about an earth-sheltered home. Really lovely geography. No running water (except the creek), no electric (although they are about to go solar).
She *lives the life*. No bullshit. Hard to find folks like that these days.
And she let me cry on her shoulder a bit and help me get my head together a bit better and make some difficult choices. Or at least get started on making some choices.
I hope she knows she has my undying gratitude! Much love, lady, YOU ARE AWESOME!
**************
While in Kentucky, one of my sons left for Austin, Texas. He was happy to get on with his life, but upset to have to leave his dog behind. Oh, yeah, he said he would miss me, too, lol!
**************
The other son that was with me had found a situation in Va and stayed here. I am hoping he may be able to get his old job back, or possibly a new one.
**************
Me? Well, been talking to the *darlin' man*. Both of us assessing our situation and what we really want to do.
First and foremost, whether we reconcile or not, I am insisting he get therapy/counseling for his anger issues.
Other than that...I dunno.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

There ARE Bonus Moments

Being here, I am trying to keep my head together and not get too depressed.
So...a few bonuses:
Cheerwine! Never had it? You are soooo missing out!
Kitch'n Cook'd Potato Chips! Still the best ever. www.kitchncookd.com  You can order online. SO worth it! They are made nearby, so I was able to get them in the stores here.
There's a couple of the bonuses for today.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Happy Fourth! Picture Heavy!

Fourth of July in a small town...parade, sale at the library, and lots of red, white and blue! I ended up on the float for my local Grange, tossing out trinkets to kids! The theme was *Redneck Olympics*.
We had a clown, of course! Every parade needs one.
Lots of ATVs
Local kids club.
Redneck Olympics was the theme this year.
This float went all out!
Another view...they even played the Olympic theme over loudspeakers!
Lots of antique vehicles.
Cute *cow tipping* float
The Darlin' Man getting Champagne out of the truck to go on the float.
Clarabelle: "Who signed me up for this!?"
The antique truck that pulled our float.
Interior of the truck for all your gearhead types.
Director of traffic!
Long stretch on Main Street
Turning the corner
Some of the trinkets I threw to the crowd.
Our float.
Near end of the parade

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

A Quick Glimpse....

Been so busy! But here are Champagnes lovely twins.
Not sure about the names as of yet. The fawn colored one is a boy, the white and black one is the girl.
I am thinking Dolly for the girl...not sure about the boy. Gotta start with a *D* though. Still not sure about *Dolly*, so if you think of girls names, let me know.
Accepting all ideas, lol! (And we already have a *Daisy*)

Sunday, June 14, 2015

....And In Other News.....

The news this past month has been....so weird.
Bruce Jenner becomes Caitlyn Jenner.
People claim they are *Trans-abled* (perfectly healthy humans that *feel* they are a handicapped person living in a healthy persons body). Some go as far as to stage accidents to become handicapped...severing limbs, blinding themselves, whatever. They say it makes them more comfortable in their bodies.
And, of course, the *Trans-racial* broad up in Spokane that says she *feels* she is Black.
What the hell is wrong with people these days?

Lets tackle Bruce/Caitlyn first.
Since Christine Jorgenson came back from Denmark a changed....uhm...woman, there has been much debate about trans-genderism. The first *transition* surgeries were actually done in the 1920s and 30s, btw.
Bruce/Caitlyn is a full grown adult, able to make his/her decisions and pay for whatever procedures are necessary. I actually have no issue with this.(Besides, if I had been a man married to Kris Jenner...well, I kinda would have wanted to get rid of my man-junk anyway.)

What I am having an issue with are the many stories I have been seeing---for the past couple of years--about parents raising their kids as the opposite gender because the child *self identifies* as that gender. Kids as young as THREE according to articles I have read.
Look, at age three one of my boys said he wanted to be a fish when he grew up. (He loved swimming) I didn't park a big aquarium in his room for him to sleep in and buy him a mermaid tail! I calmly explained to him that people do not grow up to be fishes and told him about cool stuff he could be...like maybe a deep sea diver or a marine biologist. He threw a couple of tantrums, but he got over it and later decided he wanted to be an astronaut...or a pizza delivery guy. Kids are like that!
A little boy might want to wear a tutu one day and overalls the next. Same for a little girl. A girl might say "I feel like being a boy today!"  Should you hurry off to a shrink and repaint her room blue, give her a buzz cut and toss out her dresses? No. Go with the flow for that day. If it is something that continues over and over, then take the kid to a medical doctor first.
Nature is weird. Nature gets mixed up at times. Babies have been born with male genitalia and ovaries. Some babies have been born with no external genitalia. Or both male and female genitalia. It's startling, but it happens. It has been reported as far back as the history record goes.
If the kid passes a thorough medical exam and still insists they are the opposite gender, explain to them the set of genitalia they were born with generally means they are of that gender. Get them to a good shrink and evaluate from there.
But I don't think they should use the school bathroom or locker room of the gender they *identify* with. That is so not fair to the kids that are perfectly happy with whatever gender they are.
Jeans and tees are acceptable clothes for either gender, so don't buy a whole gender related wardrobe.
When the kid hits puberty, get their hormones tested. Someone can be physically male, but hormonally female (or vice-versa). A brain MRI can be useful as well, as studies have shown male and female brains are different.
But please, don't be whipping out scalpels and the like until the kid is at least 18. I would actually suggest age 23 to make sure the skeletal growth has stopped. Same for hormones. None until age 21.
So...that's my take on that.
*************
On to the *Trans-abled*.
As the mother of a handicapped child, about all I can say is : Really? REALLY!?
To want to amputate your legs or blind yourself, whatever, is a sign you are in the throes of a serious mental illness. You need help and lots of it.
Perhaps these people could be paired with a seriously handicapped person and have to take care of them for a month or two.
If they deliberately handicap themselves, they should not receive any sort of disability checks.
So...that's my take on that.
**************
On to head of the NAACP in Spokane Washington and also the professor of African studies at Eastern Washington University....that *self identifies* as Black and says she is *trans-racial*.
Liberals heads all over the country are imploding.
They can't criticize her because that would be *trans-racist*, but they can't condone her *cultural appropriation*.
The NAACP can't fire her, because that would be racist. But she lied on her job application, so they are stuck with a liar.
The university is stuck in the same situation as the liberals and NAACP. 
Such fun to watch.
I say arrest her for fraud.
Think about it...she went to college with grants and loans designated by Affirmative Action for a minority student. She went to Howard, which is a traditional Black university, but she lied about her race to get in.
She lied on all her job applications....and I am sure the university where she works goes by affirmative action guidelines, so she probably got a boost there.
Somewhere out there is a minority student that didn't into Howard....because of her.
Somewhere out there is a minority student that didn't get a grant or a loan...because of her.
Some other professor should have her job. Some other civil activist should be the head of the NAACP, Spokane office.
The only good thing abut her , besides causing liberals heads to implode ....she and girls from the Jersey shore are keeping the bronzer people in business!
Hmmm...maybe I can be *trans-racial*, too. But I want to *self identify* as a hot Asian chick. Lucy Liu maybe?
********************************************************************************
Back on the farm....
Champagne finally kidded! Twins, one girl, one boy. The wee buckling is pale fawn color and the doeling is the most adorable wee goat I have ever seen! I'll get pictures tomorrow.
Princess Opal is dong better. She has gained a lot of weight, but is still having a bit of the scours. I have been giving her a teeny bit of Pepto-Bismol and that seems to be helping.
Pictures tomorrow, but I need to get some sleep tonight!


Friday, June 5, 2015

Grow Up!

Recently it seems that full grown  adults on the internet, and in particular, on blogger, have been behaving like rude children.
They go to one anothers'  blogs, make rude remarks....shots across the bow, so to speak, then get all butt hurt when they get a shot across their bow.
Then there are blog posts or sniping in comments, etc. These are NOT kids. They are 50+ !!!
Then over to other blogs to draw others in.
Children, please!

I like many blogs I read. Otherwise I wouldn't read them!
Some I read for the humor, some I read for the information, others because they are so darn interesting.
I consider some of the bloggers on here as *friends*. I have actually met a few of them in real life.
I read more than I have listed, as I sometimes blog bounce from one listed blog to one they have listed, etc.
I won't choose sides. I'll just keep on reading what I enjoy.
So, for pitys' sake, Grow the hell up!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The Kids Are Alright....

Took a few pictures this morning!
Left to right, Miles, Daisy, Windsor

Champagne telling her kid(s) "Come on already! Get out!"

Daisy

Otis

Marlow getting a snack

Miles wandering

Mambo keeping watch over *his* flock

Otis sneaking amount the *grown-ups*

Windsor

Windsor, posing pretty.
Some of you may remember Opal, Otis' sister.
Don't worry, Opal is alive and well.
But no longer living in the barnyard!
Just waking up from a *beauty nap*

Ready for my close up!
Opals' mama, Nikki, stopped feeding her, wouldn't snuggle her to keep her warm, and in fact, kicked the poor wee kid away. So, I brought her in the house. My younger son is raising her and she is a demanding kid! Bottle feedings round the clock to get her weight up. Keeping her snuggled and warm while she sleeps.
Opal is our little Princess Opal now!
Still waiting on Champagne to kid. I hope it won't be too much longer!

Saturday, May 23, 2015

And The Hits Keep On Coming!

So, yesterday afternoon, we came home from a brief trip to town and Nora was in labor!
But the kid got stuck and I had to help deliver by pulling kid. Poor Nora! She is a smallish goat and this was her first kidding, so a really huge buckling was NOT a good idea!
Yes, a buckling and a HUGE one as far as newborn goat kids are concerned!
We named him Windsor.
So, here's the kids that are here:
Otis, son of Nikki, twin of Opal
Opal daughter of Nikki, twin of Otis
Daisy, singlet daughter of Clarabelle
Windsor, huge son of Nora
Nora is being a wonderful mama to her little one. Nikki, not so much. She feeds them, grudgingly, but doesn't snuggle them or stay close to them at night. We may have to pull in the twins at night to keep them warm and supplement their feeding.
Champagne and Lilac still have to kid. Any day!