Thursday, September 17, 2015

I Sold My Goats

Labor Day I sold the goats. All of them to one buyer. He has a dairy goat herd over in Vt and I know they will all be well taken care of. 80 acres of pasture to roam. They will be happy there. I took a few pictures, cried, petted them and hugged them goodbye and cried some more.
I still haven't figured out how to post pictures on here, but as soon as I do, I'll post the last pictures of my 'girls'.
So, that dream is over and I am trying to figure out what to do next. Where to go next. Something.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Hardest Post I Will Ever Write

Okay, here goes....better be sitting down, folks.
Over the weekend I found out that "my" Darling Man has a fiancée.
Actually, TWO fiancees, in addition to a wife he is separated from. He got engaged to one of them in May and the other in June. We broke up in July when he pulled a loaded rifle on my unarmed son and threatened to kill him.
Plus, in the past 5 years, while we have lived together and he professed his love and devotion, he has NEVER been faithful. Even when he was 'courting' me.
Besides the two he has now, he has been engaged to no less than SIX women in the past 6 years.
He courts them (usually online through dating sites like Plenty of Fish), convinces them he loves them, meets them, screws them and gets them a modest ring. Then he gets off of them what he needs/wants (right now he needs a car, so I expect one of the two women has a spare car hanging around) and then finds a reason to dump them.
I found out his military record was pretty much bogus. Yes, he was in for 23 years, but saw no combat, was never wounded and was not stationed in some of the places he said he was. He was pretty much a glorified company clerk.
So, yeah, lies from Day One.
So, yeah, I am feeling pretty foolish right now. How he must have laughed at me and how gullible I was!
So, here's a warning.
His name is Everett Fryman, but on Facebook and dating sites he frequently goes by the name Louis Hildago.
He is 43 years old. He is a very convincing liar.
I was going to try to post his picture but I can't figure out how to do it on this iPad.
If you are on Facebook, please check out his page under the name Louis
If you have encountered him, BEWARE! He uses people, male and female, especially female.
After he gets what he wants, he will no longer be your friend or lover or whatever he is pretending to be.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Mantras and Continuing My Journey

I told you I had found a mantra and am trying it on to see if it works for me.
Pretty much, it does! And I have found it makes my life easier and I feel more calm, more 'centered'.
Here's how I found it....
I go to sleep many nights pondering the chaos my life has become. This has led to some very disturbing dreams, weird dreams, messed up dreams. Sometimes dreams are just the brain 'flushing' after a long and active day, sometimes dreams give us insight, sometimes dreams bring our worst fears to the surface, sometimes dreams are just our brains messing with us!
This dream started with me being in a very dark place. Not a room or a forest or any defined space....just dark and shadowy, darker the further away from me it was. I was just standing there, wondering where to go or do next when I became aware of an immense presence in front of me. Not threatening, just there. It felt like there was light coming from it, although I could not see light, it just felt that way. (It was a dream, okay? Sometimes you can't explain them well) Call it the divine, the godhead, a God or goddess, whatever your belief system throws your way, but I knew the presence was powerful, and I knew it cared about me.
As I stood there, I heard a voice. It spoke one sentence.
"How can I best love thee today?"
Well, I poured out my heart! Reconciliation with the Darling Man, winning the lottery, on and on...everything I thought would solve my problems.
Then silence.
Then again the voice:
"How can I best love thee today?"
Huh...thought I explained I went over my wants and needs yet again, threw in world peace for good measure and listened for an answer.
Again, the same voice and same sentence..."How can I best love thee today" .
Now it was more of a statement than a question. I started to say something again, but I felt that immense presence lean over me, like a loving parent trying to see if the child was catching on to an important lesson. Same voice, same sentence.
This went on for awhile while I tried my damnedest to figure out what was going on. Again and again that sentence was repeated, while I stood there confused.
Then that light bulb in my head flickered and came to life...
I wasn't being asked a question, I was being told what I should ask myself in every situation!!!
I was being given my mantra!
Not just for dealing with the Darling Man, but for dealing with EVERYONE, including myself!
Epiphany moment.
I woke up feeling refreshed, re energized and at peace.
And so I am doing it. Every situation, that question is at the forefront of my mind.
The cranky clerk at the convenience store, the Darling Man, my friends, my family, strangers, etc.
It's almost a Zen thing for me now. If I feel frustrated at a situation or a person, I just let that mantra flow over me and through me.
Sometimes it just means smiling and being polite. Other times it means having a heart to heart talk with someone. Other times it can mean just ignoring someone's behavior or words or not talking to them. For how I treat myself, it means ignoring all the dark thoughts that try to bubble to the surface and take over and finding ways lift myself up.
It is working for me.
I have finally gotten a job. Cashiers job at a local grocery. I was thrilled when I found out yesterday. Finding that out gave me so much optimism about my future!
This one job will not pay all my expenses, however, so I will have to supplement with another job or two. I have another couple of job opportunities out there that look promising.
Up here, you end up like Alice....running twice as fast just to stay in place, lol!