Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Mantras and Continuing My Journey

I told you I had found a mantra and am trying it on to see if it works for me.
Pretty much, it does! And I have found it makes my life easier and I feel more calm, more 'centered'.
Here's how I found it....
I go to sleep many nights pondering the chaos my life has become. This has led to some very disturbing dreams, weird dreams, messed up dreams. Sometimes dreams are just the brain 'flushing' after a long and active day, sometimes dreams give us insight, sometimes dreams bring our worst fears to the surface, sometimes dreams are just our brains messing with us!
This dream started with me being in a very dark place. Not a room or a forest or any defined space....just dark and shadowy, darker the further away from me it was. I was just standing there, wondering where to go or do next when I became aware of an immense presence in front of me. Not threatening, just there. It felt like there was light coming from it, although I could not see light, it just felt that way. (It was a dream, okay? Sometimes you can't explain them well) Call it the divine, the godhead, a God or goddess, whatever your belief system throws your way, but I knew the presence was powerful, and I knew it cared about me.
As I stood there, I heard a voice. It spoke one sentence.
"How can I best love thee today?"
Well, I poured out my heart! Reconciliation with the Darling Man, winning the lottery, on and on...everything I thought would solve my problems.
Then silence.
Then again the voice:
"How can I best love thee today?"
Huh...thought I explained that....so I went over my wants and needs yet again, threw in world peace for good measure and listened for an answer.
Again, the same voice and same sentence..."How can I best love thee today" .
Now it was more of a statement than a question. I started to say something again, but I felt that immense presence lean over me, like a loving parent trying to see if the child was catching on to an important lesson. Same voice, same sentence.
This went on for awhile while I tried my damnedest to figure out what was going on. Again and again that sentence was repeated, while I stood there confused.
Then that light bulb in my head flickered and came to life...
I wasn't being asked a question, I was being told what I should ask myself in every situation!!!
I was being given my mantra!
Not just for dealing with the Darling Man, but for dealing with EVERYONE, including myself!
Epiphany moment.
I woke up feeling refreshed, re energized and at peace.
And so I am doing it. Every situation, that question is at the forefront of my mind.
The cranky clerk at the convenience store, the Darling Man, my friends, my family, strangers, etc.
It's almost a Zen thing for me now. If I feel frustrated at a situation or a person, I just let that mantra flow over me and through me.
Sometimes it just means smiling and being polite. Other times it means having a heart to heart talk with someone. Other times it can mean just ignoring someone's behavior or words or not talking to them. For how I treat myself, it means ignoring all the dark thoughts that try to bubble to the surface and take over and finding ways lift myself up.
It is working for me.
I have finally gotten a job. Cashiers job at a local grocery. I was thrilled when I found out yesterday. Finding that out gave me so much optimism about my future!
This one job will not pay all my expenses, however, so I will have to supplement with another job or two. I have another couple of job opportunities out there that look promising.
Up here, you end up like Alice....running twice as fast just to stay in place, lol!

Monday, August 24, 2015

What I Am Doing

As I write this, I am sitting in a kitchen chair with my friend, Timi, coloring my hair. She trained as a professional hairdresser and it was her profession for several years. I am fighting gray hair kicking and screaming, lol!
I went to the local drug store and looked at the make-up with the idea of getting some foundation.
They had so many different kinds. I remember when the big choice was Maybelline or Cover Girl!
Now one brand will have six different kinds ...ones that supposedly "lift" your face, ones that "blur" your wrinkles, ones that minimize pores, ones that make you look like your face was air-brushed and on and on.....
After about twenty minutes of utter confusion, I left the store with no make-up.
Had an "I need an adult" moment there, lol!
It's just been so damn long since I fixed myself up. At least six or seven years.I do have some eyeliner and shadow, mascara and lipstick. Really all I ever used.
I haven't had anyone else color my hair since my thirties! And she is going to put in highlights!
I have somewhere to go tonight and I want to look nice. I hope my hair looks good when all this is over.
In therapy, I've learned that just about everyone lives by a "personal mantra". For some, it is "What's in it for me?" Or "Can I get away with this?" (We've all met those, haven't we?) Our mantras change over our lives and he figures it is about time that whatever mine is, it may be high time to change it.
I know mine used to be "Everything for the kids!" I rarely did anything for myself. then it was "What will so and so think?" Depending on who was in my life, who I was trying to get along with, etc.
Now, I am a bit at a loss.
But I have been thinking about it, even dreaming about it.
And, I think I have come up with one. I'll try it on for a few days and see how it goes.
I'll let you know .

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Working On Myself

I think the most important part of the whole journey is working on myself.
A difficult task, but somebody has to do it!
Self examination is never easy. Neither is healing. Things get under your skin and itch.
You try to ignore them, but they keep boiling up to the surface.
So, I have been confronting the things that bother me the most. Some things I have never spoken about, some that I never thought were a big deal...but apparently were, if they are still bothering me!
I have a friend I can talk to these things about.I have online friends that I can talk to.
And, I write in a journal or here.
All this helps.
I also have an inner dialogue happening.
Sometimes I end up arguing with myself, lol!
Things are getting better, day by day.
I am learning things about myself. I am unlearning some long held beliefs about myself and about others.
I think it will all be worth it.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Better News

Had a job interview this morning and it went well. In fact, it went excellent!
Cashier work, but I am happy with that.
I will find out by Monday afternoon whether or not I got the job.
Fingers crossed, people!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Some Mornings Are Worse Than Others

The sunrise this morning didn't help. I didn't sleep well last night and ended up "getting into my head" way too much.
Doubt, pain, heartache, tears, anger, self-pity, worry; all these seem to be my nighttime companions.
All these and a lot more.
Seeing the sunrise just reminded me that I have basically nothing left in my life to give me hope for the future.
So, today kinda sucks in a big way.
My hosts have medical appointments in Littleton today, so I am at the house with little to do. I am watching their kids, but, at their ages (14 & 10), they don't need a lot of watching.
So, watching the news ( THAT'S not gonna cheer me up) and then....dunno.
I hate being at "loose ends".

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Dragging You Along For the Journey

I have decided to drag all you along for this journey...it may be a dark journey, it may be a hopeless one, it may just be me meandering through the chaotic morass of my psyche with no destination  on the horizon, but if you read my blog, you are going to be in for an interesting trip.
So, buckle up, dear readers, "bumpy ride" doesn't even begin to describe this journey!
First....since my life has descended into such chaos, the first task is for me to establish routines and schedules. This will help "retrain" my brain and body and give me the psychological comfort of a type of normalcy.
So, when I get up, before anything else, I shower, do my hair, put in my dentures, put on some make up and dress appropriately for the days tasks/appointments/whatever. No slogging around in my pajamas, no just yanking my hair back in a ponytail. Neat, clean, tidy and ready for the day.
Everyday, Every Single Day, I find one thing that will give me at least a moment of joy or peace.
This has been extremely difficult for me. But, searching for something, I decided to try watching the sunrise. I am not sleeping much, anyway and I had found myself awake at 4:30 - 5:00 every morning anyway. So, now I go out on the porch here and just give myself over to the sunrise .I try not to even think during this, just watch as the world here wakes up and takes it's first breaths of the day.
This morning was a gentle, misty sunrise. Just what I needed. Soothing.
So, routine and sunrises.
It may not be a lot, but right now, it's all I got.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Hanging In There

Well, for those interested in the current shambles of my life, here's how I am dealing with all the chaos and heartbreak and ....well, stuff.
I am going to therapy. I am profoundly depressed and I recognized it and was able to find a therapist to help me cope with what is going on in my life.
The Darlin' Man and I are keeping the lines of communication open. He has admitted he has no clue on what to do with the goats and other livestock and was even unsure about how much to feed, etc.
So, I am taking over the care and feeding of the livestock. He buys the hay, I provide the knowledge  and labor.
We are....talking. But both of us are damaged people and it will take a lot of healing to get our act together.
But not right now. It may take a year...at least several months. We both have a lot to work on.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Sorry I Haven't Been Posting

Excuse my absence.
I am going through a lot of heartbreak right now.
I don't know if we can fix this situation even with all my efforts.
I can't eat or sleep.
I mainly cry, which makes me piss poor company.
Did a bunch of paintings, haven't sold a single one.
In all honesty, this is the most severely depressed I have ever felt.
Take care all. Don't know when I'll feel up to posting again.