Sunday, July 18, 2010

Throwing Off the Bowlines

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that
you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

 Okay, I am about to throw off the bowlines myself here, and get going on my own voyage of exploring, dreaming and discovering.
My turn.
I have lived life for so long in a position of waiting...waiting for the kids to start school, waiting for the kids to graduate, waiting for the kids to strike out on their own, waiting for a husband or boyfriend to get his life on track or pursue his dreams before I thought about mine, just waiting, waiting, waiting.
I will wait no more.
This lamb has roared full force and beat the shit out of the lion.
The lion, in my case, was self-doubt, years of bowing out of decision-making in favor of the man in my life, waiting for others to have THEIR turn and fear of being alone.
Why should I be afraid of being alone?
I have been alone before. I know I will be alone through this journey as well. It is just that it took me  a very long time to get comfortable with myself, to truly LIKE myself and to absolutely ACCEPT myself for who I am, with all my eccentricities, habits, opinions...just everything-- "warts and all" as my grandmother used to say.
I also had to focus. My dreams and goals were a bit like an out of focus photograph...I knew what they were, there was just no detail.  
Everything is sharply, painfully in focus now.

I have to make this leap and trust that I will make it to the other side---no parachute, no safety net.
Just me, and me alone.
I will have to make sacrifices.
Mainly sacrifices of my *stuff*. Stuff being those physical possessions that don't really mean that much but I have become attached to.
The biggest sacrifice is facing the reality of losing the one person in my life that I love so dearly.
I have waited for him for almost 4 years now. Supported his dreams and opinions, been his lover and partner and friend. We had dreams together, but he let our dream of being together get bogged down in a morass of family and work and medical issues. I would have stood by his side in his struggles and been there for him every step of the way, but he left me on the outside--either not wanting my help or deciding I was not important enough to bring me "into the loop".

I AM important. 
At least, to me.
I may be just one little grain of sand on a vast and endless beach, but I am just as important as every other grain of sand on that beach!

I will be there for him, if he decides to catch up with me.
But, I will not wait, unchanging and complacent, until he shows up.

So, the trade winds are starting to blow and my sails are going up.
This captain is at the helm now and there is no navigator.
Where we are going, there is no map...just a notation "There be dragons here"
That's okay.
This captain has a sword of her own and is willing and able to fight off any dragons that rear their heads.
We have minimal provisions for the trip, so tighten your belts a little and ration the rum.
They may be vast treasure to be found...or nothing at all.
The joy is in the journey!


  1. Gwynn I am really sorry to hear this. I just went awwww shit. I

  2. You go, woman!!!! I'm doing the same thing, starting with saving for a trip to Toronto to study Thai massage. This will be the first time I've traveled on my own since before I met Dave and it will inconvenience everyone in the house like crazy but fuck 'em. I am no longer putting myself on hold because it is inconvenient for everyone else. I don't want to be 80, hooked up to some machine, full of regrets as the aide changes my feeding tube, LOL

  3. I too decided I was on my own in life and if I wanted things to happen I should just go out there and make them happen!
    I'd given up on finding someone who would accept my prepping mentality and I had to make a choice of what was important to me. If I truely belived in the need to prep for any manner of events and live rurally, producing much of my own needs, then I should give up on finding someone to share that with.
    So I traveled alone, prepped alone and planned for that future major move alone. While out there doing these things I met a great guy who was also a prepper and wanted many of the same things I did.
    We took a chance with each other and 3 years later we are living our dream! We have acreage, stock, an orchard, a huge vegie garden and an amazing little girl.
    So go out there, do what you need to do and keep hope in your heart that things will happen if you make it happen :)


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